Must be: fat and hungry

Hey Must Be: Readers...
Sorry for the long absence... I never know what to write about or if it'll even be interesting. But today, I just need to get some things off my chest: Weight & Body Image

I had a medical appointment today with a physical therapist. I've been going to physical therapy for the last 8 weeks for on going pain issues with my hip/leg that resulted from a bad fall/accident. Over the course of treatment, I haven't really noticed any alleviation of pain. When discussing this today during my face to face appointment with the PT (usually just see a tech), I was informed that my issue is most likely weight related and not just an injury I've had for two years.  Basically, "you're fat and losing weight will help with your pain." It was also implied that I over eat (despite the fact I often times completely forget to eat) and am not active (even though I'm on my feet 5+ hours a day baking, plus walking the dogs, daily yard work, PT exercises, and off and on crossfit).  It took EVERYTHING I had to not cry in the office. I managed to make it back to my car, drive home, and then completely break down in my car while in the drive way. Pulling myself together long enough to say it's just allergies when running into the neighbor while checking the mail.

It's no secret that I am fat... overweight... obese. I'm completely embarrassed and ashamed of how big I am these days. I'm the biggest I've ever been. Even when I weighed 130lbs/59kg I wasn't happen with the way I looked or how much I weighed.

Growing up, I was active, fit, but still constantly told I was ugly. As I became a teenager, I was still active and an athlete, but never pretty. In college, I was very much a tomboy. Even now. But it's mostly because I try to hide in baggy/frumpy clothes. I see photos of myself and I cringe. My wedding photos were beautifully done... however, I hate them because I hate the way I look. I hate everything about the way I looked on my wedding day. Being constantly degraded on my looks growing up didn't help me ever feel good about the way I looked. Once while in college, I went home to see my family over a weekend. I had gained maybe 5lbs/2.5kg and was instantly told by my family that I had gotten fat, even though I still weighed less than them. 

I don't enjoy being fat/obese. I don't enjoy being stared at. I don't enjoy being judged. I don't enjoy people's assumptions that I'm lazy and do nothing but eat and watch tv all day.  It cuts me to my very "mushy" core. I don't often admit that I have feelings, but sometimes the ones I do have get hurt... even by people with the best intentions.

They way I was spoken to as a child became my inner voice. It's often negative and self deprecating (not the best nor the worst childhood).  I question the intentions of someone being nice to me. I just want to feel good about myself, but my inner voice keeps breaking me down. When I fail at something I beat myself up about it. When something doesn't go the way I anticipated my anxiety goes off the chart. When criticized I can often become severely depressed (because I'm not good enough). When complimented I often get embarrassed and rethink the situation late to see if the person was lying just to make me feel better.

Needless to say, the physical therapist's comments today were very  hurtful. I try so hard to be healthy. To exercise and eat right. But all he saw... and many people see... is that I'm fat and lazy.

So now... I'm sitting here, some 4 hours after leaving the doctor's office beating myself up mentally because I'm fat, ugly, worthless. Pity party for 1, just trying to figure out what to do next. I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Someone you might be saying, "why don't you just exercise more? or eat better?" To that I say... I DO! When I remember to eat, I eat healthy vegetables, lean means... no pastas, no breads, no rice. I do exercise. I walk my dogs several times a day. I'm on my feet a minimum of 5 hours a day (baking goods for others). I keep busy in my yard. I go to Crossfit... at least I did until the physical therapist told me to stop... something I new regret doing. Everything I do causes extreme pain in my hip. I have to limit what I do or modify to the best of my ability (and then get judged for it).  I have several physical road blocks... and apparently mental ones too. But I keep moving forward...without progress. No progress is difficult when you're an instant gratification kind of person. No change on the inches... No change on the scale.

Currently, I'm trying to get across how I feel, but it's difficult because I'm hungry. I'm so hungry... on the verge of hangry. But I'm too afraid to eat.  I'm educated and intelligent. I completely know that this "stupid thinking" is just that STUPID. It's not logical or rational. But old habits are hard to quit.

Anyway... That's all I've got for the moment.
Remember to be kind to each other because you don't know what someone else is going through.
~k