Must be: fat and hungry

Hey Must Be: Readers...
Sorry for the long absence... I never know what to write about or if it'll even be interesting. But today, I just need to get some things off my chest: Weight & Body Image

I had a medical appointment today with a physical therapist. I've been going to physical therapy for the last 8 weeks for on going pain issues with my hip/leg that resulted from a bad fall/accident. Over the course of treatment, I haven't really noticed any alleviation of pain. When discussing this today during my face to face appointment with the PT (usually just see a tech), I was informed that my issue is most likely weight related and not just an injury I've had for two years.  Basically, "you're fat and losing weight will help with your pain." It was also implied that I over eat (despite the fact I often times completely forget to eat) and am not active (even though I'm on my feet 5+ hours a day baking, plus walking the dogs, daily yard work, PT exercises, and off and on crossfit).  It took EVERYTHING I had to not cry in the office. I managed to make it back to my car, drive home, and then completely break down in my car while in the drive way. Pulling myself together long enough to say it's just allergies when running into the neighbor while checking the mail.

It's no secret that I am fat... overweight... obese. I'm completely embarrassed and ashamed of how big I am these days. I'm the biggest I've ever been. Even when I weighed 130lbs/59kg I wasn't happen with the way I looked or how much I weighed.

Growing up, I was active, fit, but still constantly told I was ugly. As I became a teenager, I was still active and an athlete, but never pretty. In college, I was very much a tomboy. Even now. But it's mostly because I try to hide in baggy/frumpy clothes. I see photos of myself and I cringe. My wedding photos were beautifully done... however, I hate them because I hate the way I look. I hate everything about the way I looked on my wedding day. Being constantly degraded on my looks growing up didn't help me ever feel good about the way I looked. Once while in college, I went home to see my family over a weekend. I had gained maybe 5lbs/2.5kg and was instantly told by my family that I had gotten fat, even though I still weighed less than them. 

I don't enjoy being fat/obese. I don't enjoy being stared at. I don't enjoy being judged. I don't enjoy people's assumptions that I'm lazy and do nothing but eat and watch tv all day.  It cuts me to my very "mushy" core. I don't often admit that I have feelings, but sometimes the ones I do have get hurt... even by people with the best intentions.

They way I was spoken to as a child became my inner voice. It's often negative and self deprecating (not the best nor the worst childhood).  I question the intentions of someone being nice to me. I just want to feel good about myself, but my inner voice keeps breaking me down. When I fail at something I beat myself up about it. When something doesn't go the way I anticipated my anxiety goes off the chart. When criticized I can often become severely depressed (because I'm not good enough). When complimented I often get embarrassed and rethink the situation late to see if the person was lying just to make me feel better.

Needless to say, the physical therapist's comments today were very  hurtful. I try so hard to be healthy. To exercise and eat right. But all he saw... and many people see... is that I'm fat and lazy.

So now... I'm sitting here, some 4 hours after leaving the doctor's office beating myself up mentally because I'm fat, ugly, worthless. Pity party for 1, just trying to figure out what to do next. I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Someone you might be saying, "why don't you just exercise more? or eat better?" To that I say... I DO! When I remember to eat, I eat healthy vegetables, lean means... no pastas, no breads, no rice. I do exercise. I walk my dogs several times a day. I'm on my feet a minimum of 5 hours a day (baking goods for others). I keep busy in my yard. I go to Crossfit... at least I did until the physical therapist told me to stop... something I new regret doing. Everything I do causes extreme pain in my hip. I have to limit what I do or modify to the best of my ability (and then get judged for it).  I have several physical road blocks... and apparently mental ones too. But I keep moving forward...without progress. No progress is difficult when you're an instant gratification kind of person. No change on the inches... No change on the scale.

Currently, I'm trying to get across how I feel, but it's difficult because I'm hungry. I'm so hungry... on the verge of hangry. But I'm too afraid to eat.  I'm educated and intelligent. I completely know that this "stupid thinking" is just that STUPID. It's not logical or rational. But old habits are hard to quit.

Anyway... That's all I've got for the moment.
Remember to be kind to each other because you don't know what someone else is going through.
~k

Must be: Isolated

Greeting Must be: Readers.

Sorry for the extreme lack of posting. I've been rather introverted and, to be honest, not exactly sure what readers want to read from me. Granted, I do need to post about our Christmas trip to Iceland (to include photos)... but that also requires me to find the motivation to upload/edit photos. If it requires something more than my Chromebook or my cell phone... well, I can't be bothered.

Anyway, another reason I've not been posting isn't because I've been doing some awesome traveling. But my better half/husband was gearing up for a work trip that will take him away longer than normal. So, I've been processing that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people that can't function without my husband. I'm quite independent, at least I used to be... now I'm not as much as I like to claim. We've gone through long work trips before. But this one seems different because I don't have a job to keep my busy, or a routine... or a better understanding/skill of the local language.

I stole this from google. 

My friends have been wonderful by checking on me and/or inviting me out. I've managed to keep busy during the day with baking for the office and walking the dogs. Which is nothing new as this is the normal routine. I'm making friends and even going out on coffee dates. Just the other day, I went to a string art making event... BY MYSELF. Turns out, a couple we made friends with on our Iceland trip was there and I didn't feel so awkward.

It's at night when the house is quite and dogs are wanting to go on yet another walk that I can't physically endure due to pain. Or, when I've done something while "out of spoons" and can't tell him about it or my day. Sometimes, I even miss his rambling stories about nothing or something so abserdly geeky that I don't understand.  Occasionally, the dog's snoring will wake me up and I don't have the husband to blame. It's the little things I miss.

I'm seeing a physical therapist now due to the pain. He's encouraged me to start up CrossFit again. He thinks it'll help build up my muscles, loosen them up, and ease the pain. I'm hoping it helps me find my routine. A few years ago I had a fall and injured myself. The doctors and I didn't think it was too bad, but still, I did 16 weeks of physical therapy. Fast forward to now and my injuries are starting to cause more problems. Such is life and getting older, right?

The mere fact that I'm even writing again is an indicator that things are on the up and up. I've been isolating because I just didn't want to face the harsh reality that I had to adult by myself again. But also because I have just have depression. So the ole one-two punch to the mental health department with a ninja kick to the face because the sun does not exist here often. Rain...rain...snow...overcast...sun for 5 minutes...rain...repeat.

But you know.... I'm going to get through this. I always do. I always have... and I suppose, I always will.

I also stole this from google images

Steady on, readers... until next time.

Must be: Obligatory New Year Post w/honesty

HAPPY NEW YEAR, Must be Readers!

I hope that you were able to have a celebratory end of 2017 and beginning of 2018.

• "Here's a toast to the future, a toast to the past, and a toast to our friends, far and near. May the future be pleasant, the past a bright dream; may our friends remain faithful and dear." -- Anonymous

That being said... Husband, pups and I rang in the new year with a Star Wars Marathon, starting with Episode 5 (We couldn't find Ep. 4 on any streaming app for free-yea we're cheap). Overall a pretty uneventful way to celebrate, but I think it was easier on the dogs because of fireworks. Here, where we live, fireworks are extremely common. They're not suppose to start shooting them off until midnight and are only suppose to last a hour (I might be wrong on this; didn't research). Well, we live in the country side and fireworks were going off around noon. The often sounded like a blast from a shotgun. Usually, our dogs don't mind the sounds of guns because we used to live near a gun range. But here it's a little different. One really doesn't care much at all. The other wants to chase the noise to investigate while barking (something our neighbors probably don't appreciate). So, we put Star Wars on loud, put the white noise machine on high, and shut the rolladans (if you don't know what they are... they're AMAZING and a must have). All the precaution measures seemed to help with out crazy dogs. I think it would have been far to stressful on them if we had gone down to the pub and left them home. 

New Years resolutions? I haven't got 'em. I don't remember the last time I made one, if I'm being honestly. Every year I tell myself, this year will be different; I'll travel, I'll eat better, I'll sleep better, I'll be happier. But to be fair, I also tell myself that multiple times a month throughout the year. Maybe this year will be different, but I'm not going to hold my breath and lie to myself.

It's only 5 days into the new year and I already foresee some struggles that I'm going have, some too personal to share on the blog for the time being, others are quite a bit different, however, personal, that I don't mind sharing... like depression. Yep. I've got it. I've had it since I was a small child. For some folks this is quite a serious issue to deal with day in and day out. I manage to be a function depression kind of person. I also have my moments of crippling, can't get out of bed, don't want to shower/eat/talk/breathe kind of days. Sometimes it's related to what I've eaten or lacking on exercise. Sometimes it's related to the weather (i.e. RAINY FOR DAYS, like recently). Or as husband pointed out once after one of our adventure trips, "You get depressed when we come home from traveling. Being home makes you depressed." Being home doesn't make me depressed, but come down from all the awesomeness that is traveling does make me sad because I want to travel ALL THE TIME. Lately, I've been isolating from my friends, the dogs, and even my husband. Luckily, I have the WORLD'S MOST PATIENT MAN as my husband. He often doesn't know how to handle my depression, but he's patient enough with me that I pull through it on my own time. He understands when I'm having a difficult time doing something or finding the motivation to do something.

Someone once told me that they didn't believe that Mental Health and Depression were real; that they were all just made up because someone didn't want to deal with "things." They later learned that's not the case and depression is VERY real and Mental Health is serious. We must remember to take care of our oh mental health state for improved quality of life. This is something I often struggle with in my life. I forget to take care of me and then I become exhausted taking care of others causing me to fall in to a cycle of depression. So when I have the energy (not sucked out of my by chronic physical pain), then I enjoy being active and doing things. Otherwise, I try to do something nice for those in my life I'm closest too... like bake cookies, make a blanket, or make dinner for my husband. I've made you dinner, baked dessert for you, or given you a homemade blanket I was just being selfish doing self care.

If you're local to me and find that I'm isolating too much, don't just show up at my door. You'll likely find me still in my pajamas after noon, hair in a heap, and probably wrapped in a blanket. But you can reach out to me and check on me to see how I'm doing.  In the very near future I'm going to need that, to be honest. I'll need someone to make sure I'm getting out of bed to walk to the dogs. Heck, someone to ask me to bake for them or go on walks with them.  

With that... Enjoy your next adventure. I want to hear all about it. Put love into the next creative endeavor you pursue. I want to see photos. And remember to be kind to all you encounter and love the ones closest to you... you never know what storm might be brewing in their head/heart.

Cheers!