Must be: fat and hungry

Hey Must Be: Readers...
Sorry for the long absence... I never know what to write about or if it'll even be interesting. But today, I just need to get some things off my chest: Weight & Body Image

I had a medical appointment today with a physical therapist. I've been going to physical therapy for the last 8 weeks for on going pain issues with my hip/leg that resulted from a bad fall/accident. Over the course of treatment, I haven't really noticed any alleviation of pain. When discussing this today during my face to face appointment with the PT (usually just see a tech), I was informed that my issue is most likely weight related and not just an injury I've had for two years.  Basically, "you're fat and losing weight will help with your pain." It was also implied that I over eat (despite the fact I often times completely forget to eat) and am not active (even though I'm on my feet 5+ hours a day baking, plus walking the dogs, daily yard work, PT exercises, and off and on crossfit).  It took EVERYTHING I had to not cry in the office. I managed to make it back to my car, drive home, and then completely break down in my car while in the drive way. Pulling myself together long enough to say it's just allergies when running into the neighbor while checking the mail.

It's no secret that I am fat... overweight... obese. I'm completely embarrassed and ashamed of how big I am these days. I'm the biggest I've ever been. Even when I weighed 130lbs/59kg I wasn't happen with the way I looked or how much I weighed.

Growing up, I was active, fit, but still constantly told I was ugly. As I became a teenager, I was still active and an athlete, but never pretty. In college, I was very much a tomboy. Even now. But it's mostly because I try to hide in baggy/frumpy clothes. I see photos of myself and I cringe. My wedding photos were beautifully done... however, I hate them because I hate the way I look. I hate everything about the way I looked on my wedding day. Being constantly degraded on my looks growing up didn't help me ever feel good about the way I looked. Once while in college, I went home to see my family over a weekend. I had gained maybe 5lbs/2.5kg and was instantly told by my family that I had gotten fat, even though I still weighed less than them. 

I don't enjoy being fat/obese. I don't enjoy being stared at. I don't enjoy being judged. I don't enjoy people's assumptions that I'm lazy and do nothing but eat and watch tv all day.  It cuts me to my very "mushy" core. I don't often admit that I have feelings, but sometimes the ones I do have get hurt... even by people with the best intentions.

They way I was spoken to as a child became my inner voice. It's often negative and self deprecating (not the best nor the worst childhood).  I question the intentions of someone being nice to me. I just want to feel good about myself, but my inner voice keeps breaking me down. When I fail at something I beat myself up about it. When something doesn't go the way I anticipated my anxiety goes off the chart. When criticized I can often become severely depressed (because I'm not good enough). When complimented I often get embarrassed and rethink the situation late to see if the person was lying just to make me feel better.

Needless to say, the physical therapist's comments today were very  hurtful. I try so hard to be healthy. To exercise and eat right. But all he saw... and many people see... is that I'm fat and lazy.

So now... I'm sitting here, some 4 hours after leaving the doctor's office beating myself up mentally because I'm fat, ugly, worthless. Pity party for 1, just trying to figure out what to do next. I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Someone you might be saying, "why don't you just exercise more? or eat better?" To that I say... I DO! When I remember to eat, I eat healthy vegetables, lean means... no pastas, no breads, no rice. I do exercise. I walk my dogs several times a day. I'm on my feet a minimum of 5 hours a day (baking goods for others). I keep busy in my yard. I go to Crossfit... at least I did until the physical therapist told me to stop... something I new regret doing. Everything I do causes extreme pain in my hip. I have to limit what I do or modify to the best of my ability (and then get judged for it).  I have several physical road blocks... and apparently mental ones too. But I keep moving forward...without progress. No progress is difficult when you're an instant gratification kind of person. No change on the inches... No change on the scale.

Currently, I'm trying to get across how I feel, but it's difficult because I'm hungry. I'm so hungry... on the verge of hangry. But I'm too afraid to eat.  I'm educated and intelligent. I completely know that this "stupid thinking" is just that STUPID. It's not logical or rational. But old habits are hard to quit.

Anyway... That's all I've got for the moment.
Remember to be kind to each other because you don't know what someone else is going through.
~k

Must be: Isolated

Greeting Must be: Readers.

Sorry for the extreme lack of posting. I've been rather introverted and, to be honest, not exactly sure what readers want to read from me. Granted, I do need to post about our Christmas trip to Iceland (to include photos)... but that also requires me to find the motivation to upload/edit photos. If it requires something more than my Chromebook or my cell phone... well, I can't be bothered.

Anyway, another reason I've not been posting isn't because I've been doing some awesome traveling. But my better half/husband was gearing up for a work trip that will take him away longer than normal. So, I've been processing that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people that can't function without my husband. I'm quite independent, at least I used to be... now I'm not as much as I like to claim. We've gone through long work trips before. But this one seems different because I don't have a job to keep my busy, or a routine... or a better understanding/skill of the local language.

I stole this from google. 

My friends have been wonderful by checking on me and/or inviting me out. I've managed to keep busy during the day with baking for the office and walking the dogs. Which is nothing new as this is the normal routine. I'm making friends and even going out on coffee dates. Just the other day, I went to a string art making event... BY MYSELF. Turns out, a couple we made friends with on our Iceland trip was there and I didn't feel so awkward.

It's at night when the house is quite and dogs are wanting to go on yet another walk that I can't physically endure due to pain. Or, when I've done something while "out of spoons" and can't tell him about it or my day. Sometimes, I even miss his rambling stories about nothing or something so abserdly geeky that I don't understand.  Occasionally, the dog's snoring will wake me up and I don't have the husband to blame. It's the little things I miss.

I'm seeing a physical therapist now due to the pain. He's encouraged me to start up CrossFit again. He thinks it'll help build up my muscles, loosen them up, and ease the pain. I'm hoping it helps me find my routine. A few years ago I had a fall and injured myself. The doctors and I didn't think it was too bad, but still, I did 16 weeks of physical therapy. Fast forward to now and my injuries are starting to cause more problems. Such is life and getting older, right?

The mere fact that I'm even writing again is an indicator that things are on the up and up. I've been isolating because I just didn't want to face the harsh reality that I had to adult by myself again. But also because I have just have depression. So the ole one-two punch to the mental health department with a ninja kick to the face because the sun does not exist here often. Rain...rain...snow...overcast...sun for 5 minutes...rain...repeat.

But you know.... I'm going to get through this. I always do. I always have... and I suppose, I always will.

I also stole this from google images

Steady on, readers... until next time.

Must be: Obligatory New Year Post w/honesty

HAPPY NEW YEAR, Must be Readers!

I hope that you were able to have a celebratory end of 2017 and beginning of 2018.

• "Here's a toast to the future, a toast to the past, and a toast to our friends, far and near. May the future be pleasant, the past a bright dream; may our friends remain faithful and dear." -- Anonymous

That being said... Husband, pups and I rang in the new year with a Star Wars Marathon, starting with Episode 5 (We couldn't find Ep. 4 on any streaming app for free-yea we're cheap). Overall a pretty uneventful way to celebrate, but I think it was easier on the dogs because of fireworks. Here, where we live, fireworks are extremely common. They're not suppose to start shooting them off until midnight and are only suppose to last a hour (I might be wrong on this; didn't research). Well, we live in the country side and fireworks were going off around noon. The often sounded like a blast from a shotgun. Usually, our dogs don't mind the sounds of guns because we used to live near a gun range. But here it's a little different. One really doesn't care much at all. The other wants to chase the noise to investigate while barking (something our neighbors probably don't appreciate). So, we put Star Wars on loud, put the white noise machine on high, and shut the rolladans (if you don't know what they are... they're AMAZING and a must have). All the precaution measures seemed to help with out crazy dogs. I think it would have been far to stressful on them if we had gone down to the pub and left them home. 

New Years resolutions? I haven't got 'em. I don't remember the last time I made one, if I'm being honestly. Every year I tell myself, this year will be different; I'll travel, I'll eat better, I'll sleep better, I'll be happier. But to be fair, I also tell myself that multiple times a month throughout the year. Maybe this year will be different, but I'm not going to hold my breath and lie to myself.

It's only 5 days into the new year and I already foresee some struggles that I'm going have, some too personal to share on the blog for the time being, others are quite a bit different, however, personal, that I don't mind sharing... like depression. Yep. I've got it. I've had it since I was a small child. For some folks this is quite a serious issue to deal with day in and day out. I manage to be a function depression kind of person. I also have my moments of crippling, can't get out of bed, don't want to shower/eat/talk/breathe kind of days. Sometimes it's related to what I've eaten or lacking on exercise. Sometimes it's related to the weather (i.e. RAINY FOR DAYS, like recently). Or as husband pointed out once after one of our adventure trips, "You get depressed when we come home from traveling. Being home makes you depressed." Being home doesn't make me depressed, but come down from all the awesomeness that is traveling does make me sad because I want to travel ALL THE TIME. Lately, I've been isolating from my friends, the dogs, and even my husband. Luckily, I have the WORLD'S MOST PATIENT MAN as my husband. He often doesn't know how to handle my depression, but he's patient enough with me that I pull through it on my own time. He understands when I'm having a difficult time doing something or finding the motivation to do something.

Someone once told me that they didn't believe that Mental Health and Depression were real; that they were all just made up because someone didn't want to deal with "things." They later learned that's not the case and depression is VERY real and Mental Health is serious. We must remember to take care of our oh mental health state for improved quality of life. This is something I often struggle with in my life. I forget to take care of me and then I become exhausted taking care of others causing me to fall in to a cycle of depression. So when I have the energy (not sucked out of my by chronic physical pain), then I enjoy being active and doing things. Otherwise, I try to do something nice for those in my life I'm closest too... like bake cookies, make a blanket, or make dinner for my husband. I've made you dinner, baked dessert for you, or given you a homemade blanket I was just being selfish doing self care.

If you're local to me and find that I'm isolating too much, don't just show up at my door. You'll likely find me still in my pajamas after noon, hair in a heap, and probably wrapped in a blanket. But you can reach out to me and check on me to see how I'm doing.  In the very near future I'm going to need that, to be honest. I'll need someone to make sure I'm getting out of bed to walk to the dogs. Heck, someone to ask me to bake for them or go on walks with them.  

With that... Enjoy your next adventure. I want to hear all about it. Put love into the next creative endeavor you pursue. I want to see photos. And remember to be kind to all you encounter and love the ones closest to you... you never know what storm might be brewing in their head/heart.

Cheers!

Must be: Brugge, Belgium (travel review)

Greetings Must Be Readers!

Over Thanksgiving break, I had the opportunity to travel to Brugge, Belgium. Why Brugge? Why Belgium? To be honest, it was kind of a shot in the dark, throw a dart at a map kind of thing. I was looking for places to stay for a holiday in Europe (anywhere) when I found this incredibly cute and affordable Bed & Breakfast in Brugge.

Sint Niklaas B & B offered a quick walk to the city center and spectacular views. Seriously, stay here if you go to Bruges. Veronique is the hostess of the B&B. Veronique is helpful when needing advice on places to eat. She's lovely and makes the PERFECT fried egg in the mornings. Breakfast was a rather traditional European breakfast consiting of sliced meat, cheese, breads, yogurt, bowl of fruit, juice, coffee, and some granola/cereal. I never left breakfast feeling hungry. The other guests staying at the B&B were pleasant company in the mornings. You'll get a pin to enter into the front door so you can come and go as you please. I felt bad that a few nights I came in near midnight.

My room was very comfortable and had a spectacular view of the Belfort Tower. It was a bit awkward being on the very top floor that required going up very steep stairs. If you have a physical disability that makes stairs difficult, I would discourage you staying in the Belfort Room.  It's a split level room, so more stairs. But if you can make it up stairs stay in this room. It's AWESOME! Be prepared to carry your own luggage. If you're really struggling, Veronique will help. Watching her glide up and down the stairs is a sight to behold.  Unfortunately, this place is not pet/dog friendly. But it more than makes up for it.

My second day in Brugge, I booked a PhoPhoto Tour Brugge. TAKE THIS TOUR. No matter your level of photography skill TAKE THIS TOUR. I took the Hidden Brugge tour. When I signed up, I didn't realize it was the off season and that I would be the only one on the tour, but I was. I think even if I weren't it would have been an excellent tour. I'm a beginner/intermediate photographer... aka super amateur with a bit of skill. Mr. Andy helped me to figure out the ins and outs of my camera (that I've had for 4 years). I learned a lot... even if I haven't implemented as much as I should lately. Mr. Andy is incredibly kind and has some great tips for places to visit. The Hidden Brugge tour took me into some back alleys and side streets I would have never thought to go down. It made walking back from a different tour late in the week a bit easier. During the first part of the tour, we had a camera crew following us around and interviewing Mr. Andy and his wife, Mrs. Andy who joined us with their dog Blake. So there's a chance I'll be on Belgium TV. Mr. Andy and his family are wonderful and I hope to see them again.

My third day, I took a FREE walking tour with Legends Free Walking Tours. They offer several different walking tours for free, just a donation at the end.  I took the  Historical walking tour. If I had more time I would have done a few of the others ones. It was great. Jonahs was the guide and he was entertaining and informative. The tour lasted almost 2 hours, but I was so interested in the stories and the history that I didn't realize that my leg/hip were trying to fall off.

That evening, I managed to score a ticket to see The Dead South at Charlie Rockets Hostel. I only recent discovered this band. At first they were completely sold out. So I messaged the band, not thinking I'd get any sort of response. THEY BUT ME ON THE BAND GUEST LIST!!! I was so stoked. I got see them prior to their performance, but I was too nervous to talk to them beyond asking for a napkin (my beer spilled). Apparently, they're pretty popular in the EU and they had just been in Frankfurt before going to Bruge. I hope they come back cause they were AMAZING. Such a fun show. The tiny venue was packed and the temperature was HOT! But what a fun event. I'm beyond grateful that they were kind enough to put me on their guest list. I should send them cookies.

My last full day in Brugge was spent wandering around and taking photos of the city and the Christmas Market. It was a small market and not much there that was interesting to me. They did have an ice skating rink. I went to the Old Chocolate House and got an awesome hot chocolate and a delicious waffle. Pretty sure I had a waffle every day I was there.

That evening I attended a Beer Walk. We went to 5 different locations with a beer sommelier. Kathleen was our sommerlier guide. She was fantastic. An engineer is a previous career, she's incredibly knowledgeable about beer, the history of beer in Belgium, and overall a lovely person. I'd recommend doing this tour over other tours just because the pubs we stopped at were prepared for a group of about 15 AND we got to keep a glass at the end of the tour. I gave mine to a couple on the tour to round out a collection. Plus, I wasn't sure how I'd get it home without breaking it.


During my visit I ate at the following locations and definitely recommend them to you.

Sanseveria (Brugge) Bagel Salon. Delicious bagels to choose from at breakfast or lunch. Their tea menu was adorable. They also have a chocolate cake that is to die for. I'm drooling just thinking about it. Book a reservation if you want to visit this place. It's small and fills up QUICK. I'm glad I made a reservation. Otherwise, I'd have waited almost a house for a seat for one... would have been worth it.








Ribs 'n Beer for all you can eat ribs (I had a steak because the ribs are pork).

De Vlaamsche Pot for the BEST Flemish stew. Because I went before the Christmas holiday, it was decorated for the holiday. Super cozy atmosphere and the service was nice.

Hands down one of favorite solo trips I've ever taken. I can't wait to go back and take the husband.  If you get the opportunity to go to Brugge I say take it. You might think it's just a sleepy little town without much to do, but if you look there's plenty to keep you busy and your tummy full.

Cheers.

Must be: able to roll with the punches

Hello friends, from somewhere in the while blue yonder above Europe.

Our Dog Whisperer Sitter

We're currently in route to Iceland for the Christmas holiday. Shout out to our AMAZING house and dog sitter. It's sure to be a busy holiday for sure, but a good one. We've been excited about this for sometime (okay since booking in June).

Why must we roll with the punches, you ask?!
Because when you check in at the airport and they ask that you check your carry on baggage (an Osprey Farview travel bag/backpack) instead of carrying it on... and you do leaving yourself with just your equipment bag of breakable gear... You think, alright, my luggage is probably going to get lost or damaged. Standard operating procedure for this realist... aka pessimist. I just generally assume that my bag will be lost and typically have a few essential items in my carry on. Paradox much?

Anyway... we checked our carry on bags and made our way to security and passport control to wait at our gate. Wait...Wait... Wait... Call for boarding...Then the voice of the speakers announces (in German first) that security was unable to properly scan any checked luggage. The German speaker's faces dropped and many made negative comments. Then came the same announcement in English. That's right ladies and gents, an ENTIRE flight will arrive in ICELAND without luggage. Many in the group we're traveling with packed their warm coats (myself included) in their checked luggage.

I just have to laugh. Honestly, I'm not entirely upset about not having my belongings... for the time being. My story and tone are likely to change by morning when I want to shower and put on clean under garments. It's unknown if anyone will be compensated for this inconvenience. I won't hold my breath. 

Typically, I would be completely outraged by this situation and my anxiety through the roof in full blown attack mode. But I think I find solace that this happened to EVERYONE, not just me. We can all commiserate together. There's company in misery, right?!. A few on the group and I have decided if we don't have our jackets by morning, we'll just sit in the hotel bar and drink while the "warm ones" walk about the city. Regardless, we'll figure something out.

Anyway, That's all I've got for now.

Must be: dealing in absolutes

Greetings Must be: Readers.

Those of you that really know in real life/in person know that I'm usually a person that deals in absolutes. Hence the blog title of "Must be."  A gray world isn't a world that I'm comfortable living in or dealing.  It's black or it's white when it comes to expectations in my world. With that being said, I'm well aware that the world doesn't revolve in absolutes, except in maths. I'm capable of being flexible and patient when it's necessary. But most of the time I deal in absolutes. That's why I'm rarely ever late or why if I have expectations of something and it goes wrong I get upset. But I try every day to be more patient and accepting of the gray areas in life.

I kind of see being an absolute kind of person as my morale gage. As though, there's not room for negative behavior or toxic people in my life. But sometimes, people faulter and I need to give them room to grow/change... or my perception to change.  All in all... it's kind of a gray area. AHH. It's a paradox.

We went to Valkenburg, Netherlands last weekend... look out for a post on travel reviews. Until then... I'm going to bake some cookies.
Cheers.

Must be: new to blogging

Welcome back...Must be Enthusiasts.

I think I'm going to try to update at least once a week. Right now, I'm toying with ideas in my head. A few things have happened (not to me but to people I know) that have sparked some serious thought. Additionally, a few facebook posts I've read that drawn up some inspiration. Still not sure what to write about that is interesting. I'd write about books, if I read anything beyond the news lately (and I'm not about to get into politics). I'd write about music, but I don't understand today's music. Nothing exciting has happened this week and I've not tried any new recipes worth writing about.

At the moment, I'm still trying to get back into a routine after traveling and then I'm going to tackle some of the photos from my trip.

We got our second snow this evening. The first was a few weeks ago and nearly derailed a brunch I whipped up. No worries, it was a successful brunch + doggy play date. First world problems, am I right?

So... while I get my feet firmly on the ground and my balance restored around here, enjoy some photos of my dogs on instagram @mustbeinsert  or get notification updates on facebook @mustbeinsert

Cheers.